My Brother, The Stranger

Yesterday, well actually two days ago I had a younger brother(21) and a younger sister(13). Today I have 2 brothers and a sister! I always knew I had an older brother, and I spend many days and nights searching for him. Back in 2004 I posted something on a genealogy site looking for my father. He and my older brother share a name, and that’s how he found me. He not only found me (he had known about me but says he had trouble finding me as well) but he also surprise found out about my brother, his half brother and I also told him our father has two other sons…So Jr is now aware of many many siblings…that’s gotta be strange I had always known…well finding out about the last brother was a shock so I can’t imagine how he feels right now.

So I’m out with some new friends walkin’ around lil 5 points and my busted up cell phone wont close out of my e-mail. My eye catches the name and the subject line that reads “I am your brother” naturally my body freaks out shaking, laughing and crying. Like I said I’d known about him my whole life and my whole life he was never far from thought. I always imagined what it would be like to have an older brother. So on with my story…I was freaking out I only read the first few lines “I am assuming that you are my sister, the evidence at this point is too great not to. I did not have much chance to find you years earlier…..” and at that point I had to call my younger brother and tell him and in all that amazing panic I deleted the damn e-mail! So I nervously e-mailed him back  and I asked him to resend the email and why. He did, and I read most of it while still trying to act normal around these new friends. Not even 30 minutes later he called me. I just let go I couldn’t hold back the tears, I’ve never felt happiness like this. We talked for about 20 minutes…I was at lunch and he was at work, so we kept it short.

We talked again later than night for 3 hours. I was really nervous but he was really good at keeping the conversation going. I could tell he was excited because he was a chatter box. I loved hearing about this person, my brother. How strange it is to try and hear everything, I wanted to know his whole life. He’s so interesting, funny, married for 9 years, traveled to japan, he’s been so so many states, likes metal music & punk stuff too, he’s got a German Shepard, he’s honest…he’s already told me what to do big brother style (I love that feeling of having a big brother), he’s handsome, he’s the oldest out of everyone, I think he really cares about me. This is just amazing.

 My younger brother and I were going to 3-way call him…so he called me and it felt weird to call like that so we hung up and he called him on his own. and a half hour later he called me back all excited and told me to call him next. Ugh I was so nervous I’m sure why cause I’d talked to him for hours the day before. Another thing I was nervous about was what if after a few more phone calls it died out and what if we never really talked again. I’m so scared that I’ll lose him again.

So I messed around thought about ways to get out of talking to him…so I just called. But its so easy to talk to him, I love it! Tonight was more about talking about music and little stories of our past and what music we like what we don’t like…it felt more like catching up with a friend who’d been stuck without a phone for 8 years. He said I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, you’re still my sister I’ve been looking for, for 24 years.  We exchanged addresses and I think he’s gonna send me a CD of his favorite songs. I have to figure out what I want to send to him. One thing he said was our father would always tell him “oh I put something in the mail for you and he’d never get anything so he’s always loved getting packages. He says he can’t stop looking at my picture and I can’t stop looking at his…I can’t wait to meet face to face!




They say you can do anything for a year. So for this year I’ve made the jump and went back to school. I’m studying esthetics and if everything goes according to plan…..I’ll be licensed in 3ish more months!!! I’ve been in school for 9 months now and it’s been a good amount of work.

And it has it’s moments where its fun. Other moments where I’d like nothing more than to drop the fuck out! They change the rules all the time. Its frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I should know more, but the senior students say they felt the same way and everything falls into place in the end.

But right now the hardest part is the other girls. Most of them I love to death, others I fin d just clueless, some are mean and some I don’t even know. But lets talk about the mean ones….so so so many girls call me weird and they say it in such a mean nasty way. I’ll be the first to say I’m different. They way I look with my dark hair and light skin and eyes (no one can guess my ethnicity lol). My humor is dark and dry and completely sarcastic. I always say whats on my mind (unless its mean I’ll keep my opinion to myself). But I guess because I speak my mind, my very strange thinking mind people think its okay to say whatever they want to me. And sometimes it is okay to tell me whatever you like, other times its really hurtful. Just yesterday I was sitting at lunch with some newer girls…one who had been a client before she started school. This girl I went out of my way to be nice to. Show her around, gave her tips about some teachers, introduced her to other students, and one day she had lost her wallet so I bought her lunch. But yesterday, I sit down take one bite of my sandwich and Tori says to me loudly for all to hear, “when I first met you I really liked you, but now you’re so weird I don’t want to be friends with you” um that came out of left field bitch!  After that comment I got up and left so I could eat later with my friends. I could tell she felt bad. They rest of the day she kept trying to give me high-fives, but I was over it.  That was just the last straw, I walk through the halls and that’s just what most people say “you’re so weird, you’re so weird, you’re so weird” ugh enough I got it, I get it I’m strange and you don’t get me. It just hurts when they say it in such a nasty way. It’s hard not fitting in especially when you’re the whisper in the halls.

My dad always says “they wake up and they have to be them, and you wake up and you get to be you.”  I’m lucky I’m me, I like me but some days its hard to be me.

Whatever I’m tried of bitching. Ill post later.


The Beach

Last night I was feeling sorry for myself. My sister had a friend, my brother brought his girlfriend, my mom had her friend, my dad was just sleeping he doesn’t count…and I didn’t have anyone to hangout with. So I called Coco to see if she could make the drive to Seaside, but she made a last minute plan to go to Texas. Whatever, I’ll just read. But an hour last my friend Peter texted me…asking me if I was in seaside and how long I was going to be there..turns out he and a few other high school friends were going to be in Seaside in a few hours! What crazy luck, before that text I was really bummed!

After awhile I met them at the rooftop bar Whiskey Bravo, they had the BEST Mai Tai’s by the way. And after about an hour Megan was wasted and sleeping in the lounge chair. We got the bill, that was nearly 200 bucks…I only had one drink so I wasn’t so worried but Peter was a perfect gent and payed the entire thing (I guess the army pays). We walked down to the beach, I was kinda dressed up wearing nice jeans so I just took them off. But once we got to the water everyone just striped. So what the hell I’ve never been skinny dipping, so what better place than the ocean!? We swam out to our chests/necks, and just talked and laughed. I was so blissfully happy in that moment. We swam for hours in the moon light, I wasn’t even scared. Ha and we had been talking about sharks and whatever other creepy animals there are out there. Jessica was picking up all these little sand dollars with her feet and collecting them on the beach. We had made a beer run too, and just drank and swam and floated it was such an amazing night! I got tired and left before anyone else and I remember looking back at them swimming. One of the best nights I’ve had. I don’t think I’ll ever forget…that feeling of just floating looking up at the moon listening to my friends laugh.

The next morning I woke up late. I biked to town with my mom for lunch. It was about 100 degrees out, and we were so nasty sweaty. I had fun riding the bike I hadn’t been on one in many many many years, and I was a little wobbly! We were also miserable riding in the heat…so once we got back to the house my mom and I just ran into the pool, fully clothed but what the hell it’s vacation!  (I even put my dog Cellar in the bike basket! So cute!)

I went down to the beach…I body surfed with my sister & talked in the shallow water where there weren’t any waves. My dad was so drunk but nice funny drunk. He was talking about how I have to take his grandchildren (I don’t have kids, I’m not even dating) to see him when he retires to the beach! Gosh and he was talking to my mom about my sister and I getting married, and how he needs to start saving… I said I’ve got no kids and no boy and my sister is 13….

After everyone (except my sister) went to dinner at Bud & Alley’s. We all had so much fun, drinking, eating and laughing our asses off…my dad was fucking with the waiter who we think was a tab bit high. Days like these make life so perfect!


Growing Up

It seems like whenever I open facebook someone else is married or has a kid. I’m only 24, most of my friends are close in age. How is it that they all have real jobs, real marriages, and real babies. I bet they come home, take off their boring office suits and make a decent looking dinner, and put said dinner on their nice china (they got for their wedding, I’m sure). That’s not my life. I get home from my shit waitressing job, say hello to my mother, peal off my God awful uniform and eat the dinner my mother lovingly prepared for me. Yes, I live rent free and my mama makes me dinner. Thats awesome, it truly is. But I need to grow the fuck up! I want boring office skirts, I want to make my own dinner. I want to pay rent. I want! I’m so thankful I found something I’m passionate about, and I’m lucky enough to be able to go to school for it. It’s just not fast enough.

I just opened up an invite to a Christmas Eve party. I don’t mean clicked open, this actually came via postal service! Just a few years ago I got the same invite, just much different. This one explains there will be hors d’oeuvres, men will be dressed in ties, bottles of wine but if you have a preference you may bring your own. What’s this about…no tacky Christmas sweaters? Where is the keg? Don’t y’all have a hot tub?

Because I didn’t follow the game plan I’m so behind. I feel like we are all in the 3rd grade, but I keep getting held back. So as my friends grow and progress, I’m still at the same. I have split feelings about where I am in life. I love that I have real life experience and I’ve fought for my life and sanity, my eyes have been open. But sometimes I’d do anything to feel like everyone else. I’ll have a grown up career, husband and kids just not at 24. Today that’s just fine with me.


Getting Happy

The past year my one and only focus was to get happy, be happy, feel happy, and not lie about being happy. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You can’t just wake up and be happy. Being happy takes a shit ton of work. But when you focus on just one thing in life, you miss some life. I didn’t do anything else other than get zen with myself.

Then I woke up one morning, and realized I was happy. Shit I did it. I wasn’t sure how I did it.  I wouldn’t  go write an award winning self help book or anything like that. I just cleaned my temple of all negative bullshit. I found that happiness for me was more of a content feeling with myself. I liked who I was at that moment. I’ve never looked in the mirror and been happy with the person looking back. That morning I liked who I was.

After a few months, I looked around and I didn’t have anything. No fun Friday night plans, hardly any friends, no career…and defiantly no future career in sight, no one to wake up too. Nothing, just my happiness. So happiness soon passed. I didn’t go falling down into a sea of depression, but I did realize I did my journey to happiness wrong.

For happiness to work in the long run I needed some plans.